(Related: 1, 2, 3)
More from chapter 1 of the book "Twisted Scripture" by Mary Alice Chrnalogar:
THE PROGRAM OF BONDAGE
The hidden agenda of abusive discipleship is that you should not make decisions without both you and your discipler feeling at peace about it. They claim this will ensure that you will make fewer mistakes on your Christian walk. At first this seems to make logical sense: more accountability, fewer mistakes. What you do not realize, however, is that slavery may soon begin to develop. Once you agree to play this discipleship game, your discipler will be a major deciding factor in many of your choices because you come to believe that you are likely to be in sin if you act without the disciplers confirmation.
How nice of the discipler not to want you to make any mistakes in your new Christian walk. The discipler wants to help you. You probably feel grateful that someone cares about what you do in a world in which people often do not seem to care at all. This discipler may also say that he wants to make sure you find and follow God's perfect will, and that he is advanced enough to be able to help you with your decisions.
As long as all your decisions follow the disciplers agenda, you will get all the confirmation you could possibly want. You do not feel manipulated because you are making many decisions and are allowed to follow through. You see no control because your decisions either follow the path your discipler wants you to take, or the discipler may have no preference in a particular instance. When you veer off the "path," the controlling discipler may first try to subtly persuade you (and, if that fails, tell you) that you are in sin.
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There are terms a discipler may use to guide the disciple back onto the desired path:
* "I do not have peace about it"
* "I do not know if that is God's will"
* "Let's continue to seek God's will about that"
You are free to disagree if a non-controlling discipler uses one of these phrases. When they are used by an abusive discipler, however, these phrases are a kind of discipleship code that really means: "NO, NO, and NO."
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Did your discipler actually tell you "no"? Of course not. Isn't that sneaky? So sneaky in fact that disciples who are being controlled will nearly always swear they are never told what to do. Rather, they only receive advice. While this is often true, these victims do not realize that, under psychological pressure from their discipler, they may be making many decisions against their own God-given wisdom.
There are times, however, when sneaky is not enough and the controlling discipler needs to use a heavier hand (remember, we are not discussing moral advice). This is called "discipline." A disciple who refuses to yield will be chastened, rebuked, counseled, or will have some other Biblical-sounding word thrown in his face to get cooperation. This frequently involves being told he is not broken, not submissive, not obedient, or not humble. The disciple might be accused of being rebellious, not dying to self, not trusting enough, or being hard hearted. This labeling game usually works remarkably well in abusive discipleships.
The result is that you are compelled not to change jobs, go to school, date, get married, or do other things without first clearing it with your discipler. If he or she does not "feel peace" about it, then you do not really have permission to do it and will probably feel guilty if you go against your discipler's opinion.
I invite you to ask yourself, "Would I have played this game if I had known all the rules?" If you had been told at the outset that to be a disciple meant to obey practically all the advice from your discipler in every area of your life, would you have become involved?
